Family Matters
by Max Bosis
Summary: Nothing much I can say except Slade and his effed up family appears on Maury. This is MUST see or read TV! Rated T or whatever


Family Matters  
By Max Bosis

"…And welcome back, folks, to this very special episode of 'Maury'," spoke Maury Povich as he stood facing the studio's cameras. "With us today we have Slade and Adeline Wilson…"

The audience clapped as they turned their attentions towards the front stage, where a man wearing an eye patch over his right eye with blonde hair sat. Next to him was obviously his wife, Adeline.

"You all might remember seeing these two before," Maury said. "In fact, it was just last month they were here in those EXACT seats, with Slade having a SHOCKING TRUTH to reveal to his wife…let's play the tape, shall we?" 

The large TV screen behind Slade and Adeline cut on; playing a recording from the last time they were here. It showed them sitting in their exact seats, except Slade had no eye patch that time. The tape rolled on.

"…_And we're back after out commercial break," spoke the Maury on the television screen. "Here we are with Slade and Adeline Wilson, a happy married couple. But Slade here has a SHOCKING SECRET he feels he must get off his chest. A secret that he's kept from her for years. Slade?"_

Slade cleared his throat as he ran his hand through his hair. He felt so nervous, but this was something he had to do…

"Adeline, sweetheart," he spoke as he faced his wife. "You know I love you…"

"Yes, Slade. What is this about?" she asked as she held his hand.

"Honey, I…"

"What is it?" 

"I…"

"Slade, you're scaring me…"

"I want you to know…"

"How bad is it…"

"C—can I FINISH my sentence, PLEASE?" Slade asked, interrupting himself. 

"Oh fine, go ahead…"

"I just wanted you to know—well, as you know our family's been coming up on some rough times; you losing your job at—wherever it is you work at; Grant moving in with us after his apartment was destroyed by crash landing aliens; well, I've been finding ways to help us pay for every—what I'm trying to say is…"

"No…"

"…Yes, Adeline…"

"You're not…" her voice trembled as her eyes widened.

"I'm a…"

"So Betsy and the girls were right! They DID see you on the corner of Max ST, offering your body for…"

"…What? WHAT? NO!" Slade exclaimed at the false accusation.

The audience gasped at the "revelation".

"Is this true, Slade?" asked Maury. 

"…Are you kidding me? I mean, yeah, I got drunk one night with the guys and they thought it would've been funny to put me out there—damnit that's not the point!" He looked towards Adeline. "I'm a hired hitman! AN ASSASSIN!" He yanked out a hunter's knife, and without looking, hurled it into the audience. "I KILL PEOPLE FOR MONEY!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" cried a lady from in the crowd. She sat next to a man with a knife in his head, dead. "MY HUSBAND! YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND!"

"THAT'S 1,000 BUCKS, LADY!"

Everyone turned away from the screen as the tape ended. Maury stood there, staring at Slade. Only few claps could be heard in the audience, as most of the people couldn't get over what happened.

"Well, uh, Slade," he began. "How'd things turn out after that?" 

Slade's left eye slightly closed as he gritted his teeth. 

"How'd things turn ou—how'd things turn…" Slade shook furiously as he wailed his fists in the air. "All right, I'll get straight to the point: SHE SHOT MY EYE OUT! THE STUPID beep SHOT MY EYE OUT!"

Multiple gasping could be heard within the audience.

"Adeline?" Maury said as he crossed his arms, wrinkling his forehead.

"…Okay, yes, I shot out his eye," she finally said, turning away from Slade. "I shot it out only because he got our son kidnapped and got his throat cut! THE beeping bastard got my son nearly killed because of his stupidity!" 

"MY stupidity?" Slade through his arms in the air again. 

"Yes, YOU'RE stupidity! It was because of you—on that same tape that just played—our son got kidnapped!"

"What did that have anything to do with…"

"It had EVERYTHING to do with it! YOU REVEALED TO ME ON NATINAL TELEVISION THAT YOU WERE A HITMAN! A beepING HITMAT, YOU PSYCHO!"

"So you're saying the guy that kidnapped our son was—oh that's bullbeep, Adeline and you know it! You know why you REALLY shot my eye out…" 

"BECASUSE OUR beepING SON IS NOW beepING MUTE! YOU GOT HIS THROAT SLIT!" Adeline shouted at the top of her lungs in hellish fury.

"Maury," began Slade, "I haven't seen Joseph ever since she shot my eye out! For all I know she could be lying!"

"Oh you want proof?" Adeline cried as she whipped out her cellphone. "I'll put it on speaker…"

"…Put what one speaker?" Slade asked.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! She dialed the numbers into her Nextel cellular phone, and listened as everyone heard the phone ringing.

"Who are you calling, woman?"  
RING! RING! RING! The telephone at the Wilson's home rang, and young Joseph ran to answer it. He picked it up and placed the receiver on his ears…  
Everyone in the audience grew quiet as they listened to the sound of someone answering the phone. But whoever answered it never spoke into it. 

"SEE? DO YOU SEE NOW?" cried Adeline as she slammed her closed and shoved it into her pocket. "DO YOU SEE NOW YOU POMPOUS…" 

"Oh, p'shaw," Slade said as he brushed his wife off. "Obviously she called some mime! Don't you see how treacherous she is, Maury!"

The TV show host stood back, shaking his head sadly at Slade.

"…Oh beep off!" He then turned his attention back to Adeline. "Goddamn you, Adeline! Goddamn you to hell! You just had to shoot out my eye? You couldn't aim a little lower? Why not just finish the job?"

"Let me get this straight, Slade," Maury said, "you would rather have had her shoot out BOTH your eyes, or kill you rather than one of your eyes?" 

"EXACTLY! I'm a hired HITMAN! A TRAINED ASSASSIN!" he cried as he whipped a hunter's knife from his pocket. "I CAN'T KILL SOMEONE WITH A MISSING EYE!" He tossed the knife into the audience, hearing a scream. "See that? That guy will live! HE WILL LIVE!"

"That's ALL he cares about, Maury," said Adeline. "Kill kill kill! He doesn't even take me out anymore! He doesn't even BUY me things!"

"Maybe because you go around shooting out eyeballs!" Slade shouted as his attention was still towards the audience, desperately trying to kill someone by throwing ninja stars. He got cries, screams, and wails, but no deaths.

"You want me to buy you something? Here! Here's an EYEBALL! MERRY beepING CHRISTMAS!" Adeline dug into her purse and hurled an eyeball at him. "HAPPY?"

Slade paused as he picked up the eyeball, and noticed that it was wrapped in tin foil. It wasn't a real eyeball. He slowly took off the foil, and scolded Adeline.

"This is chocolate!"

"SEE? Nothing I do pleases him!"

"Ummm, I got sumtin to say!" cried a loud, obnoxious voice from the audience. Maury moved over to the crowd and saw a large, African American woman stand up with very short hair.

"Oh God," Slade whispered. "It's one of those fat black ladies from the talk shows. Everyone has one."

"I thought they were urban myths," Adeline whispered back. "Like Bigfoot…"

"Yes?" Maury began. "You have something to say?"

"Yeah, well, if you ask ME, I think the both uh ya'll are crazy! YOU a crazy beep for shootin out his damned eye! And you—you just crazy!" She swerved her large body and swung her hips. "MMHM!"

Slade and Adeline looked at each other and then back at the lady.

"…She—she's right, Slade," Adeline spoke, finally calming herself down. "She's absolutely righ…"

SLING! Slade hurled another shuriken at the large lady, killing her.

"Ha!" he exclaimed. "I still got it!"

"OH YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"

"…And that's it for now!" cried Maury, shocked at the dead body that he stood by. "We'll be back after this commercial break…"


End file.
